There is NO such thing as Constructive Criticism

Dr. David Stoop was the guest on the HomeWord radiocast I listened to on the way to work today. He is the author of Better than Ever, one of the newest books he’s written. He is the founder of Center for Family Therapy in California. From the information on that radiocast interview alone, I’d recommend this book. As many of you who know, Ablur (his web alias), who is my husband, wrote an article on his blog about tying knots in the marriage relationship. We have a strong opinion about the ability to communicate as a couple, and to make the foundation of your relationship solid, as tight as a bunch of Boy Scout-ready knots. We have this on pretty good authority given just shy of 16 years of marriage come this May.

FINALLY, after years of arguing this myself, I’ve heard from someone else one of the sentences that I’ve felt should be engraved in any solid communication text: “There is no such thing as constructive criticism." I have thought this many times, while growing up, as a new employee, and even as a parent, dealing with the various people that I face in these environments. From the time I was very young, I was taught “it is important to accept constructive criticism." What I never understood was how someone else, who is telling me something about my own behavior, attitude, or abilities can help me move forward and succeed—no further discussion-when my self-esteem plummets just knowing that there is negative response to my careful, conscientious efforts. I still struggle to find ways to beneficially inform others of certain actions, responses, or attitudes which don’t fit the norm expected (usually by my standards).

Today, I have heard the words from an authority, Dr. David Stoop, stating “There is no such thing as constructive criticism.” Regarding criticism, Dr. Stoop stated,

It is not the sender who can say that wasn’t criticism; it is the receiver who says, “That felt like criticism.” If there is defensiveness, there was criticism. Criticism is an attack, an attack on my behavior and however well-meaning you are, it never works. There is no such thing as constructive criticism.

We are human; so analysis (a nifty synonym by Webster comparison) will happen. We need to learn to focus on ways to explain our “analysis” in a positive way that builds up the other person, so growth can occur naturally. Will we never criticize? No, that isn’t possible as humans.

Dr. David Stoop goes on to tell you about the “Eight Cow Wife” story, [paraphrased]. Apparently a true story in the South Pacific—where the going rate was 1-2 cows for a wife. However, this particular husband paid 8 cows for his plain, ordinary-looking wife. Many years later, she turned out to be one of the most elegant, beautiful women around. When the husband was asked later how he knew to pay that much for her, he said “I didn’t know, but I paid 8 cows for her, and she lived up to that.” This is the attitude that we need to have continually, first in our marriages, in our families, our relationships around us, and even daily in our workplace.

Another part of this radiocast talked about husbands as the leader in the home, with a new twist. Dr. Stoop said (again paraphrased) that when you talk about the role of the husband in the home as leader; many men don’t know how to deal with this. He explains that while submission (of the wife) can be very powerful in the home, in fact, the man in the marriage and home “sets the pace.” He creates the environment in the marriage, in the home and in the relationship.

Now, having been in Christian circles all my life, that is not the general consensus—usually it is considered that the woman is the pace setter. However, through Dr Stoop’s observations as a therapist and experience as a Christian husband, he was led to realize that when the wives do criticize their spouse, it is because they are frustrated, and often because the husband isn’t doing anything. The husband’s inaction, or passive antagonism, sets the pace. Or, a husband can set the pace with goodness, love, and growth. His conclusion is that while the wife is often the one taking daily steps to manage the home, it is the husband that truly determines the atmosphere in the home, and he is doing that no matter what—it’s automatic just by his actions (or inactions).

Dr. Stoop sometimes asks husbands when counseling, “Do you know how to prioritize at work, how to strategize, how to deal with conflicts at work?” Of course, most men immediately say yes. He goes on to say that men have all the skills to make a great marriage; they just have to transfer that to the home. It doesn’t require you to be an executive; you can run a production line in manufacturing, but you are still prioritizing, strategizing, and dealing with conflict in the workplace.

Now, these days, this same line of questioning can be posed to women who work outside the home (I’m one of those) and they also prioritize and plan effectively in their job, but come home too exhausted to .... For example, planning a simple satisfying meal for the family; yes, that’s a personal example of what I have had to overcome to prioritize and focus on my loved ones: they are the reason I work.

Food for Thought for either spouse:

What have you done today to focus away from “constructive criticism” and truly grow with your spouse? Do you focus on what you can’t figure out, or are frustrated with their actions or inactions? Is there something you could focus on that would positively encourage your spouse to respond in kind? A simple tender touch or a firm, meaningful “I Love You” can do it.

Take time to read a web page or watch a TV show together. Maybe do like Ablur & I and simply go grocery shopping together. Or, as I do for him, spend an hour in your husband’s favorite tool shop, letting him browse, and tell you all about the tools he does/doesn't have. While it may not seem exciting at the time, knowing more about your spouse's interest, and a thing or too about some of those funny looking tools can be quite valuable. It doesn’t have to be big; and it CAN fit within your daily to dos, and still win the heart of your loved one. Do unto others…. Wow, are we back to the golden rule again?

Now, for the men: To avoid constructive criticism, being a woman, and focusing on the positive, “What strategies can you implement that will ensure you participate in actions within the home which strengthens your relationship with your wife, and builds up your family?”

“How can you show your family that although you are a bread winner and must keep a roof over their heads and food on the table, your 1st love is them, not the job?”

Again, the ideas are endless, and often quite simple. Put on your to do list, right next to “fill out the report for my boss”, “take my wife’s car in for an oil change”. Or “look at that door knob that she thinks is loose on the patio”. Those are actions, and as has already been stated so simply over and over in many cultures, "LOVE is an active verb.”

Let’s replace “destructive” criticism with active love and analyze the many positive things that happen day-to-day as a result of being married to your most precious human in the universe. I have a running list already I need to do to build up my spouse, even tasks I’m slated to do this week.

It’s a choice, it isn’t easy, and it isn’t going to be perfect every time. However, the first step is simple: Try. Enjoy the passion you will experience as a result of your loving actions.